College football is predictably unpredictable. And that’s fine. We KNOW that teams have a sort of given “ceiling” or “floor” that they’ll jump around in and depending on how they jive with other teams at a given point in the season, you’re left with a pretty wide range of possibilities.
And then schools from Florida realize their houses are built on God damn sink holes.
That being said, I’d like to take some mental inventory and air some grievances for the mistakes I (as well as others) made in the offseason.
FSU AND ALABMA WILL TOTALLY PLAY EACH OTHER AGAIN FOR THE NATTY
“But…but…but Derwin James, Deondre Francois (totally not bitter about Auburn losing out on him), and the number one running back recruit in the country…” Yeah none of that shit mattered. In hindsight, it’s actually a miracle that the Seminoles just lost to the Tide and didn’t get straight up blown out. I don’t know if that says more about a pre-injured Francois or Alabama but either way, the entire world of college football saw Florida State being a train wreck about as well as they saw Mark Dantonio knocking off Penn State like he was Robert Mueller alone in a dark room with a White House staffer.
CLEMSON WILL COME CRASHING BACK DOWN TO EARTH WITHOUT DESHAUN WATSON AND BOULWARE.
Nope, we still have to put up with Alabama’s future head coach tearing through the ACC with starting QB Kelly Bryant and 23432th year defensive coordinator that refuses to leave, ever, no matter which job calls him up, Brent Venables. They’re just one FSU win (see above) and rivalry game away from playing (probably Miami) in the ACC championship and setting up Dabo vs Saban 3. Here’s to hoping a certain coach treats the faux tigers like a dry erase board.
FLORIDA WILL FINISH #1 OR #2 IN THE SEC EAST
Welp there goes that. (Yeah you may say that GIF was from 2014…but is it really?) Yeah, things are looking pretty damn depressing if you’re a Florida fan. Georgia is doing a season long “Nick Saban at Alabama year 2” Halloween costume and the year’s gone so badly that some of your wins are just as unsettling as some of your losses. On the plus side you’re in full-blown Tinder-right-after-a-breakup mode and luckily for you, you’re objectively the most physically attractive person in a 2,000 mile radius (or however far away College Station is).
BRIAN KELLY IS USING THE YOGA BULLSHIT TO DEFLECT AND HE GONNA GET FIRED.
Notre Dame went 4 and 8 last year and EVERYBODY laughed. You know who’s laughing now? Well…no…probably not the poor yoga instructor that is charged with trying to get a small, angry, baked potato into downward dog. ANYWAYS, not only have the Irish been stacking up wins but they’ve done so against quality opponents like current #13 Michigan State, current #15 USC, and an unranked but scrappy NC State team. Their only loss is to current #1 Georgia and they play undefeated Miami this week. Win Saturday and it’s pretty likely they get to ruin someone’s day when the final playoff rankings come out and they squeeze in ahead of a one loss ACC team or the loser of Bama vs Georgia. Yeah. We ALL had our day and/or night ruined the last time we had to watch Notre Dame play the winner of that game.
MOST. BORING. NATIONAL. CHAMPIONSHIP. EVER.