If the landscape of college football was the financial market, and coaches were the NYSE stocks that they are so often compared too, then coaching agents would be Alec Baldwins straight out Glen Gary Glenn Ross. Even as I type this, someone from Trace Armstrong’s office is probably pulling their Ferrari 488 GTB with the license plate “BIGDCKSWGZ” into a parking lot in Knoxville TN, or Tuscon AZ, or Lincoln NE.
Actually, this is almost certainly always done over the phone and/or in hotel lobbies (‘cause CFB fans are kray and airplane tracking is a thing). All the same, the fleecing that is going to occur between Coaching Agent X and Athletic Director Y in this scenario, is the kind of stuff brokers straight out of Wharton masturbate to in between bumps of cocaine and injections of HGH.
The illuminati of college football is not rogue boosters that run car dealerships throughout the southeast, giving $100 handshakes at games and ensuring that 5 star recruit coming to town is “taken care of.” Nah man, those hustlers are dealing chump change and Dodge Chargers. Coaching Agent is where it’s at. WAYYYY more money… like Jay-Z’s Big Pimpin video money.
So, a few things about articles like this one.
Earlier this year, Forbes estimated that [Jimmy] Sexton has negotiated about $742.5 million in contracts for NFL players and college coaches, earning about $24.8 million in commissions (the industry average is about 3 to 4 percent). He recently negotiated huge deals for NFL clients including Philip Rivers, Ndamukong Suh and Julio Jones.
Whew boy is that a lot of money for a guy that lives in Memphis, TN. I’m sure it’s no big thing, though. Insanely wealthy and/or powerful white people in parts of the south with high crime rates and questionable local governments always have happy endings and almost never involve scandals. Let’s move along.
“People talk about how we’re going to make so much money because there are so many open jobs and we’re going to move our people around,” Sexton said. “I don’t look at it like that. I look at it like there are going to be a bunch of schools open, and we’re going to place our clients at the best places for them to succeed. That’s really what it’s all about.”
Yeah, uh, you’re still making a FUCK TON OF MONEY by whoring Will Muschamp around to every school in the SEC. During his pit stop as Auburn’s Defensive Coordinator in 2015 he became the highest paid DC in college football, making more than FIFTY NINE non-power 5 head coaches. Seriously, who else could get away with that? That’s like me taking a VERY real and VERY hostile wolverine around to various hunting parties and convincing them they don’t need another beagle and ‘ole Bo Jangles here can get the job done for $500k a pop with bonus incentives if he gets you to a hunting championship in Atlanta.
Also, negotiating the deal for Lane Kiffin to go to Knoxville and for Saban to go to Alabama. *Shakes Head* Thanks for those two bundles of joy, dick.
Best of all, all of these deals are done across the desk from an Athletic Director while an undertaker actually takes his measurements incase this next hire is a total fuck up. Mix in a very nervous Athletic Director that may not survive long enough to clean up the eventual mess plus a ravenous fanbase willing to do horror-movie-level cult sacrifices to snag the next big thing, let alone spend all the money that those assholes in DC are trying to take away anyways, and you have a Coaching Agent with all the leverage in the world and that’s more excited to deal than Harvey Weinstein at the next Wonder Woman casting call.