Nothing lasts forever. Love? Fun? Happiness?
No, no, no. Like time, those are but illusions. Meant to trick you into a false sense of distance between you and the inevitable death that will eventually take you, gently or otherwise. To be sure, your name and identity and “memory” will go away but not because the gentle waves of “time” have erased it, OH NO, IT WILL BE BECAUSE EVERYONE AFTER YOU WILL DIE UNTIL YOUR LINEAGE IS WIPED CLEAN BECAUSE IT IS OBVIOUSLY A WEAK ONE FOR SUPPORTING THIS ALBATROSS OF A PROGRAM.
What I’m trying to say is that eventually your football coach is going to disappoint you one time too many and you, as a fan, are going to have to club that baby seal to death.
Note: Some fans have no problem doing this. In fact, they reallllyyyy enjoy it and will occasionally ask one of the coroners if it’s unreasonable to request a copy of the crime scene photos for “insurance claim purposes.”
It’s important to remain emotionally objective during this break up process, if you can.
Note: No one can.
Your future divorce attorney is going to suggest that you begin to collect evidence and build a case for your spouse’s dismissal if you’re gonna have any chance of keeping those kids. Your fan base’s mutiny should follow in the same spirit of the law.
First, you’re going to need to prove that they are not doing their job, which is of course, to win football games. This part won’t be too difficult because your coach is a college football coach and at some point, they’re going to lose games and they’re going to lose them in embarrassing fashion, when they’re favored, and to your biggest rival. But that’s not enough. You’re going to need some numbers to back up just how much damage that lose did to your family.
Next, you’re going to have to do some work on your mutual friends, the ones that think you two can still patch things up and that say shit like, “I think at their core, they’re still a good person, though.”
OH YEAH, KAREN? YOU SAYING THAT CAUSE YOU KNOW IT OR BECAUSE SHE NEVER EMPTIED OUT YOUR JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT BEFORE SKIPPING TOWN?
Again, try your best to remain calm and rational. Point out to the fan that’s still on the fence that this is what’s best for everyone. “Listen, I know it’s tough but this really is the best decision. I don’t want to be old and wonder what would could have been if I had written that novel and gone after Justin Fuente during the offseason and I swear coach will be just fine when he lands that job opening at Louisville.”
Finally, you’re going to have to figure out when and where to serve those divorce papers. Officially, this is best left up to lawyers and athletic directors. However, from an emotional standpoint, you’ll need to choose the right time to block their calls and sever all communications. Usually, this should be done right around Thanksgiving in order to leave them at a time when they are naturally supported by family members (ones you’ll never have to hear argue politics at the table ever again) plus it gives you some time to buy those little recruits a shiny new athletic facility before Christmas, just as a reminder that there’s a winner in every divorce; the one that gets to keep the house.